Core Pride
It's almost the end of summer, and I still feel stressed from an event I helped run over two months ago. As I am continuing to work with the event for the next year, there is still a stress phantom in my head haunting me. Because of it, I low-key am thinking of dropping the position because of how much I have in my head.
It makes me feel lethargic, stressed, anxious, and just disappointed.
I like being active and surrounded by people... as long as the attention isn't on me.
However, at the event, I felt small, disappointed, unimportant, unconnected, and confused because I couldn't enjoy myself at the convention at all. Because of that, it makes me question whether I want to help run it.
The event probably haunted me despite nothing major really happening probably because of how much effort I spent on it. The months before, I was slaving my ass off almost every other night to deal with the event. There were days where I would go to sleep at the crack of dawn and wake up at noon to start doing schoolwork. In those days, my life revolved around the event.
I fear that this burnout/breakdown happened because I don't trust people in the organization anymore.
I don't know if I like what I am doing and whether if I like what I'm doing at all.
I don't want to die or have suicidal thoughts, but I feel that I don't like myself.
I don't know how to change into someone who does.
Recently I read a rated M for Mature manga called "Kakafukaka". Although the scenario is kinda wtf, I relate to the protagonist a lot in which I used to be so overly confident and remembering it is something I want to forget. And then I want to protect myself more and more because my confidence deteriorated to the point where I don't know what I am doing. And mentally, I want to be loved, but if I can't love myself first, then who is going to love me? I don't have the goal of a romance, but I hope to find more people who I can feel comfortable revealing my deepest of thoughts.
Core Pride is something I am struggling with finding. I had it and I lost it. But hopefully one day, I can change myself to someone who isn't struggling with it.
It makes me feel lethargic, stressed, anxious, and just disappointed.
I like being active and surrounded by people... as long as the attention isn't on me.
However, at the event, I felt small, disappointed, unimportant, unconnected, and confused because I couldn't enjoy myself at the convention at all. Because of that, it makes me question whether I want to help run it.
The event probably haunted me despite nothing major really happening probably because of how much effort I spent on it. The months before, I was slaving my ass off almost every other night to deal with the event. There were days where I would go to sleep at the crack of dawn and wake up at noon to start doing schoolwork. In those days, my life revolved around the event.
I fear that this burnout/breakdown happened because I don't trust people in the organization anymore.
I don't know if I like what I am doing and whether if I like what I'm doing at all.
I don't want to die or have suicidal thoughts, but I feel that I don't like myself.
I don't know how to change into someone who does.
Recently I read a rated M for Mature manga called "Kakafukaka". Although the scenario is kinda wtf, I relate to the protagonist a lot in which I used to be so overly confident and remembering it is something I want to forget. And then I want to protect myself more and more because my confidence deteriorated to the point where I don't know what I am doing. And mentally, I want to be loved, but if I can't love myself first, then who is going to love me? I don't have the goal of a romance, but I hope to find more people who I can feel comfortable revealing my deepest of thoughts.
Core Pride is something I am struggling with finding. I had it and I lost it. But hopefully one day, I can change myself to someone who isn't struggling with it.
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