Starting Over

It's the end of the second week of school. Some feelings hasn't changed... there's a weight in my heart but I can't change everything right now.

There's a lot of really negative feelings thrown into the mix. Envy, laziness, hopelessness, and especially lack of confidence and trust to other people. There's really not that many people I trust with my feelings. I would feel completely judged and I'm a bother so I stopped telling people and reverted back into my invisible turtle shell. One day, I just felt so bad and broken I just let my feelings spill a little to my best friend. I trust her. She calmed me down enough to stay sane and not enter proactive crying. 

(Ultimate stress relief is to cry for a couple of hours)

"The one side of you that didn't fit,

doesn't mean the part that doesn't fit is bad."

That quote in milliseconds snapped me back to sanity. I'm still surrounded by loved ones for reasons. Whether or not I like change, It's going to happen around me, even if I'm stubborn not to change. But of course, to improve myself, I must change as well. Especially if I want to change for the better and grow my confidence.

When people feel hopeless, they run towards things like religion, superstitions, horoscopes, or anything that can help give some hope that it's only because of XYZ, that things are looking grim. I don't tend to run towards those things, but rather just be active and listening to people. But I use to like horoscopes a lot. On my twitter, horoscopes started popping up. Out of curiosity, I took a peek at it. It was something I've seen before. One of the symbols of being a Scorpio is a Phoenix. A Phoenix is a creature that rises out of ashes and transforms itself. It helped light a flame within me. I'm also a full moon baby. It might not mean much but tides are strong with a full moon, and the moon is also a symbol of clarity. 

I'm slowly convincing myself, I'm only feeling this way because I need to transform and change myself, not necessarily in a way people want me to, but for myself.  But to actually change, I will be drowning in the tides of change and within those suffocating and depressing moments, only the new me can be revealed like a phoenix. 

The song, Starting Over, by Intersection, healed me quite a bit as well. Any time these dark feelings arise, as long as I sing a random line in my head, everything feels alright again. Today yells "It's the day to begin 'Starting Over'." The challenge for the next two years only begins now.

"Cuz today is history, and tomorrow's a mystery. So tell me why don't we make a brand new start?"

"I've got a feeling that it'll be alright so stop to watch the sunset, starting over"