Season of Rain

I believe in attraction at first sight. But love?

But love has to be maintained. Or else it'll never be real.

I just finished watching Moon River. And, it made me think. And made me start to worry.

Again, I'm being negative. 

I have anxiety regarding that I won't get into college (not accepted...anywhere yet). I have anxiety regarding that I won't be properly liked. But I already decided, until I am done with college stuff, I shouldn't have any feelings related.
I have anxiety regarding that everyone I know as friends will leave me soon. I don't feel comfortable telling anyone anything directly. I feel like I'm forcing myself. When did I become so cautious about what other people think? When am I going to stop hiding behind the mask, filled with fake joy and loneliness? These lines really make me want to write a love story.
But... I feel like if I do, I will hurt myself with my own feelings again. I feel like secluding myself from everything. I don't know who to tell, so I just write on ask. I feel like if I talk to anyone, people will think of me as crazy.

But yeah, I feel like I'm fake. And has always been. And when ppl try to understand me, they only know what I tell them. But can't emphasize with me.

I don't know since when did I start pouring myself into problems of relating. I can emphasize with almost anyone. But every time I do it, I feel hurt because I don't get this comfort. I have to continue hiding it. Will someone I love, one day, look at me and tell me that I'm worth anything. Will the person sacrifice for me if I sacrifice for them? Can the person tease me to let me forget all my troubles.

I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I write somewhere I know no one will look.

And if they look and do nothing, they aren't worth it for me.

I use to tell nothing to the one beside me. My crush. Turns out, I still like him. But I don't feel like we can go back. Can I talk to him? I don't know.

I am afraid to chase him. I did a lot for him, because I feel comfortable. But I don't feel comfortable when he's not around. I should let go, but my feelings tell me not to. I couldn't tell him anything. I want him to get mad at me. I want to get mad at him. I want him to be really seem to me as an asshole who wants to use me. But I let him. And that makes all the difference.