Knowing Myself

There's a part of me who struggles to understand why I am who I am today. Why I make the choices I make today. Whether it's my love life, my cultural background, my hobbyist personality, I choose to have a guard around them all. 

There's always a part of who struggles with my love life. I admit it, I'm a romantic in the head. I like being teased, spoiled, and the idea of cuddling. I like corny-ass romantic poems, rom-coms, and cheesy love songs. 80% of the time, I enjoy cliche stories. 

Mia:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You may not know
But someone loves you
Michael:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You may not know it
But I love you too 

(The most iconic love poem from my teenage dream romance---Princess Diaries: Princess in Love by Meg Cabot)

But at the same time, I don't trust what I feel a lot.
I'm the type that will dream and right before the dream's best moment, I hide like a startled turtle for fear it's actually too good to be true. I worry that the very fantasy that I'm attracted to is actually is a nightmare in disguise.

So I runaway from them. I'm not emotionally ready to deal with how to fix my relationships after rejection. I like presence. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess its why I like going to cafes to do work. I can sit and there's presence. But I'm also scared of attention. When too much attention goes onto me, I hide away.

I guess... since I've been surrounded by ideas telling me not to fall too quickly, that you can't believe in anything that is that quick. So I've been making sure I'm grounded and that my imagination can't take me places too far away from reality. When people change how they look at me because they determined how they feel about me, I am freaked out. Are they putting on a show like I am? And most importantly, are they going to hurt me? I can't trust this new face that I see. There are people that I really considered a good friend, or even brother, who sudden wears this unfamiliar mask.

Although I consider myself a demiromantic (because I really don't fall for people so deeply so quickly unless I get to know them, observe them, talk to them), sometimes I wonder whether I'm a lithoromantic or akioromantic--to be attracted to someone until they start to reciprocate--and only to find their reciprocation disgusting. But am I attracted in the first place is the question? Not really. I meet people and think of them platonically only. It usually doesn't change either.

Recently, I've been thinking more and more about my feelings towards someone. A lot, a lot of time thinking about this. Sometimes I'm restless and can't fall asleep because my mind is thinking.
It's still very unclear, but so far I get good vibes. However, currently, it's not really romantic, but alterous attraction rather. There's a soothing presence. I want their presence around me. I want something from this person. And I'm satisfied with that. I know alterous is a vague term as it could also mean a label-less romantic relationship. But in my case, I don't know if I want a label or not. I am perfectly content with a relationship without labels like bf/gf.
My mind stops racing when I'm besides this someone. I'm focusing on the moment, just loosely besides him. My guard is still up, but slowly adjusting to not surprise anyone.
But I want to be able to let my guard down and feel, well, that it's a fantasy that can't turn into a nightmare. I want to be able to feel secure emotionally, physically, romantically. I want to be able to hold hands, hug, cuddle, and be able to say anything without retribution.

My culture background is also another part of me I don't understand about myself. I am a proud Taiwanese-American. But it feels taboo to wear that with pride. I can't really get along with people who aren't first-generation American, the people who forget about their cultural background, and understand that we are lucky to be where we are. But it's a huge part of me that I wear with pride. I radiate my culture in a way even those in Taiwan no longer hold important. I celebrate traditional holidays, I listen to pop music, watch modern television dramas, and continue to study Chinese. I know there are those uncomfortable with wearing their Asian American labels and those who only truly want to interact within their Asian American niche. I really want to not be part of either label. I want to be able to proudly be Asian American while interacting as a person.
But currently, I treat Asian Americans friends with much more love. I can go up to a girl-friend and hug them, and kiss them on the cheek while joking. But if I did that with my Caucasian friends they'd be like what the hell.

Additionally, I keep hiding the self that writes stories out of embarrassment. There's just something about it. Whether it's the corniness that turns people off, or the real-life connection that those who know me can understand and feel. I don't want to show it. I feel like I'll be judged. High school is tough. But college is tough too. In college, people can see everything about you because you may live with them. For the good and for the bad, college is the time where you learn the world is the cruel because you aren't as sheltered anymore.
YC is a project that very few fully understand and even less know about. Someday, I hope I will be confident to reveal the project. This me is probably the truest me to exist. I get to write down feelings and thoughts through characters and emphasize with experiences even more through it. Plus, it takes my creative side, and puts it in a diary that only I understand.

One day I hope I can fully understand who I am, what I want to be, and what I currently am. I hope that in that day, I can also live to the truest self and be able to radiate the me I am always glad to be.

 

聽說我 驕傲冷漠 最擅長 偽裝做作 還聽說 我常犯錯 但都能 不勞而獲 我聽甲說 聽乙說 說得多快活 關於我 他又加油添醋 甚麼 這某某 那某某 熱心地廣播 這個我 那個我 多好多 我在你心中 是甚麼 他眼中 又是甚麼 我是個傳說 或胡說 他只要 出一張口 我在我心中 是甚麼 只有我 自己才懂 聽到的每句 都像是 小說 那麼多 連我 都不認識的我 原來我 自甘墮落 最近還 不甘寂寞 請觀眾 對號入座 湊熱鬧 道聽塗說 我聽甲說 聽乙說 說得多快活 關於我 他又加油添醋 甚麼 這某某 那某某 熱心地廣播 這個我 那個我 多好多 我在你心中 是甚麼 他眼中 又是甚麼 我是個傳說 或胡說 他只要 出一張口 我在我心中 是甚麼 只有我 自己才懂 聽到的每句 都像是 小說 那麼多 連我 都不認識的我 我在你心中 是甚麼 他眼中 又是甚麼 我是個傳說 或胡說 他只要 出一張口 我在我心中 是甚麼 只有我 自己才懂 聽到的每句 都像是 小說 那麼多 連我 都不認識的我

I heard that I am am prideful yet indifferent, yet good at camouflaging. Also heard that I make lots of mistakes and reap without sowing I heard for Person A say, and B say, I live happily When it's related to me, they add more to the story than there really is. what? I heard this, over there it's that, enjoyably broadcasted This me, that me, it's a lot more than there really is What am I like in your heart? Also what am I like in their eyes? I am a legend but I'm also a false tale They only need to open their mouth What am I like in my heart? Only I will understand myself I heard every line, it sounds like a novel There's so much extra, even I, don't understand myself I guess I'm stil self-deprecating and recently still afraid to be lonely Let the audience sit in and join in the craze and rumors I heard for Person A say, and B say, I live happily When it's related to me, they add more to the story than there really is. what? I heard this, over there it's that, enjoyable broadcasted This me, that me, it's a lot more than there really is What am I like in your heart? Also what am I like in their eyes? I am a legend but I'm also a false tale They only need to open their mouth What am I like in my heart? Only I will understand myself I heard every line, it sounds like a novel There's so much extra, even I, don't understand myself What am I like in your heart? Also what am I like in their eyes? I am a legend but I'm also a false tale They only need to open their mouth What am I like in my heart? Only I will understand myself I heard every line, it sounds like a novel There's so much extra, even I, don't understand myself