Perfect World

I’ve been uncomfortable to talk about something:
How my first love changed me after I f---ed up and decided I should probably stop.  (♡´艸`)

I think it's about time I write out my true feelings about it. After all, it's been four years! So how did it end? It... never really did start? I never acted on the feeling.

Let’s just say, I never said anything despite the obviousness that I was crazy for someone because I believe fate will work in mysterious ways if it’s meant to be.

That being said: opportunities has to be chased in order for the world to do its thing.

Last Friday, I spotted my first real crush because I crashed a meet. I crashed it for multiple different purposes. One of them was secretly to see how much my feelings has evolved since high school. Am I truly over him?

I liked to believe it started out innocent and somewhat cute puppy love but then when it became infatuation, it turned sour. When I liked him, many people don’t get the reasons I had in my head. It seemed stupid, but I think I was attracted to the chill, energetic, playful, and prideful person he is. I have deep respect for him, possibly even deeper than for myself. He’s hardworking yet a delightful presence when things look grim. He’s got that confidence and charisma. I was somewhat emotionally into it even if there was really not much between us. Today, I didn’t actually watch him compete if he did but my eyes ever so occasionally swung past his figure. And I guess that adrenaline I had when I was in love with him rise again today slightly, even if there was no words nor eye contact exchanged.

When I had a crush on him, I strive to be the best me in front of him happily. And although at that time I did it because of image I wanted to present, it brought out the best in me, which I think was the right idea. I loved myself when I was with him in the moment, not hiding behind a screen. When I was hiding, I was sure I acted like a creep. (´-﹏-`；) but shrugs ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ because I blame how infatuation is a negative evolution of "like" and an obsessive feeling.

I can’t say that I’m 100% over him. He’s the first person I felt that strongly for. They say that first love never dies. Sometimes I dream of him, his words linger in memory, and his silhouette is engraved in my mind. It has become less frequent. However, I have moved on with my life. Found new opportunities, new hobbies, and died internally from being so busy and uptight. He will always in my head bring me some comfort since I've never said anything to him, and nothing ever officially happen between us, so I hold no hard feelings besides some regret. I knew it when I just occasionally eyed him during the match unintentionally. He will forever be a special existence to me.

But if he ever somehow stumbles across this post... NO. SORRY. GET OUT. I'm kidding. There are words that I never could say to you personally.

「In life, you will realize there is a role for everyone you meet. 

Some will test you, some will use you, some will love you, some will teach you.

But the ones who are truly important are the ones who bring out the best in you. 

They are the rare and amazing people who remind you why it's worth it.」

Just know you are part of this amazing role that made me feel like the best even if I was part of a completely different role for you. Although we were never together, I had liked you at that time. You bring out the best in me, and give me strength to continue to be the best, not just in what I like to do, but also in tasks I dislike because I had fun.

Thus, the next time I fall in love, I want someone who brings out the best in me too, while next time accepting the faulty me as well. I want someone to think,

「I love you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you've yet to be.」

I also pray I won’t become infatuated too quickly or possessive. But I swore I’ll be happy, and I hope my partner will be happy too with me.

I will wish you the best on everything-- school, love, and the unachievable dreams that you will soon be able to achieve. We will create our own perfect worlds separately it seems, but if I had another chance, I'd still have my first love be the fantastic you that made me feel perfect in that short time span we shared together.

________________________________________________
Lyrics of Perfect World by E-girls

Perfect world...

Moment

And the new day begins again.
I wonder how much longer will it take for

You and me to get together at the same time
Can I hug you? A tight back hug
So that your sadness can disappear
I want to love you, I want to protect you, 

I want to envelop you in my warmth

I received true love from you

And everything in the world has become beautiful.
There is someone dear that I will love forever.
You just smile innocently under the clear blue sky.
And everyday looks dazzling, 

Love in the Perfect World

After a little laugh, I'm not sure
I cried until morning, 

I felt like I was swallowed by the night
The cherry blossom petals in Spring when we met
Every time I close my eyes, I think about it
Because I will never forget that moment, 

The moment I fell in love

Always with you, who gave me true love
Even if the path that I am walking on is steep
I have a light that will never go out
You're my first and last person, 

So I won't let you go anymore
A dream only for us 

Love in the Perfect World

I have nothing else to be proud of but you
Moment, Moment 

Every moment I spend with you
So don't look down, 

I am right behind you
Moment, Moment, Love

I received true love from you
And everything in the world has become beautiful.
There is someone dear that I will love forever.
You just smile innocently under the clear blue sky.
And everyday looks dazzling, 

Love in the Perfect World