Fear
Being told "I love you" freezes me up.
I seriously question the sanity of all the boys who had a crush on me.
I am baffled rather-- Why me? I don't see myself suitable... The last two boys that asked me out were younger than me. That makes me even more confused. I've always been curious. But regardless why, I swallow my guilt every time I see one of them. One of them, is no longer speaking to me due to it. And I feel extremely guilty for not reciprocating and possibly leading him on for a year. It was just not the right timing for me when he asked me out. I was already pretty much not considering it anymore, especially since I knew it for so long. The latest boy who asked me out, luckily ended in a brighter note at the very least. I am actually bewildered to know that he has caught feelings for me. I didn't spend that much time with him. I really didn't think much of it at first.
If those ever read this blog, I hope they know: I really didn't mean to hurt feelings. I hope you find what you are looking for in someone else, because I doubt it's in me. Particularly the one that was the wrong timing-- Just know that you are probably more mature than me in an aspect. I'm selfish and childish. I don't think I could date anyone who doesn't realize that side of me. And in honesty, there's not many people who sees that side.
I also know what it feels like to be in an unrequited love. It's rainbows and unicorns when you are by their side smiling. It's silently painful and tough when you are jealous.
Love sounds like a drug. You have the high and then you have the breakdown. You are always wondering what they are doing. You want to bind them to you. But they don't reciprocate. And it really sucks. So you hesitate telling-- fear consumes you. You aren't prepared to hear "I don't feel the same way for you".
And then you have ones where you can feel the tensions, but both don't do anything about. There's a bunch of reasons but it all becomes excuses. The biggest one comes down to is not wanting to fight against the really big odds against you two. There's people you love, but there's also the societal pressure. However what's between you two is like addiction, once you're in again, you just want more and more. And then to prevent that, you avoid again, purposefully denying the chemistry between you two. You hope to become perpendicular lines with this person, to never meet again because once you do, it's harder to deny what's invisible but obvious.
I'll be real honest right now. I don't know whether it's because my friend keeps bringing up "I don't want to be single", and realizing... almost all my close friends has a significant other and I haven't even gone on a real date with any of the romantic stuff going on, but it caused me to think.
Additionally, yesterday she brought up why I wasn't dating one of my close friends. I was like if I think about it, then I'll go crazy. If I lose more people because of my feelings, then I rather not. Plus, I rather not be making these decisions based off of societal pressures.
But in the end, I know it's an irrational fear that I'll be alone forever. So far I still got those supports that I can do anything. To the friendships I have had for more than a decade, it is super scary to just lose them. But I know I will be able to do without and make newer bonds, even if they aren't the same ones as the ones I'm used to.
I seriously question the sanity of all the boys who had a crush on me.
I am baffled rather-- Why me? I don't see myself suitable... The last two boys that asked me out were younger than me. That makes me even more confused. I've always been curious. But regardless why, I swallow my guilt every time I see one of them. One of them, is no longer speaking to me due to it. And I feel extremely guilty for not reciprocating and possibly leading him on for a year. It was just not the right timing for me when he asked me out. I was already pretty much not considering it anymore, especially since I knew it for so long. The latest boy who asked me out, luckily ended in a brighter note at the very least. I am actually bewildered to know that he has caught feelings for me. I didn't spend that much time with him. I really didn't think much of it at first.
If those ever read this blog, I hope they know: I really didn't mean to hurt feelings. I hope you find what you are looking for in someone else, because I doubt it's in me. Particularly the one that was the wrong timing-- Just know that you are probably more mature than me in an aspect. I'm selfish and childish. I don't think I could date anyone who doesn't realize that side of me. And in honesty, there's not many people who sees that side.
I also know what it feels like to be in an unrequited love. It's rainbows and unicorns when you are by their side smiling. It's silently painful and tough when you are jealous.
Love sounds like a drug. You have the high and then you have the breakdown. You are always wondering what they are doing. You want to bind them to you. But they don't reciprocate. And it really sucks. So you hesitate telling-- fear consumes you. You aren't prepared to hear "I don't feel the same way for you".
And then you have ones where you can feel the tensions, but both don't do anything about. There's a bunch of reasons but it all becomes excuses. The biggest one comes down to is not wanting to fight against the really big odds against you two. There's people you love, but there's also the societal pressure. However what's between you two is like addiction, once you're in again, you just want more and more. And then to prevent that, you avoid again, purposefully denying the chemistry between you two. You hope to become perpendicular lines with this person, to never meet again because once you do, it's harder to deny what's invisible but obvious.
I'll be real honest right now. I don't know whether it's because my friend keeps bringing up "I don't want to be single", and realizing... almost all my close friends has a significant other and I haven't even gone on a real date with any of the romantic stuff going on, but it caused me to think.
Additionally, yesterday she brought up why I wasn't dating one of my close friends. I was like if I think about it, then I'll go crazy. If I lose more people because of my feelings, then I rather not. Plus, I rather not be making these decisions based off of societal pressures.
But in the end, I know it's an irrational fear that I'll be alone forever. So far I still got those supports that I can do anything. To the friendships I have had for more than a decade, it is super scary to just lose them. But I know I will be able to do without and make newer bonds, even if they aren't the same ones as the ones I'm used to.
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