Unsensed Clairvoyance

Finals are finally over. I'm so glad, yet a little scared that I didn't make the mark I had aimed for. Yet, now that I look around, it's already the holidays. December means the snuggling, the cuddling, hand-holding, and the affectionate mood is around. And yet again, I'm still single. #20yearsofsingle December is also the month of reflection, as we make resolutions for the new year. I so again start contemplating my life decisions. In terms of study: I do have some regrets with my major, but it's too late now. I still don't feel like I learned anything. But hopefully with my minor, I'll feel a little better about learning nothing in my major. In terms of friendships: I realized, it may not be a great idea to sever all my half-decent relationships. They are my friends for one or another reason. So, I started stringing them back together, since most of the people I cut didn't realize it anyways. (Well the reason why I cut them would be becaus

I watched “Love Rerun” last night. It’s a drama I relate to even if the lead is a decade older than me. I was in love with someone who only sees me in the sidelines and I idiotically draw it out even though I know there is no interest. Where this drama differs is that the same person is the person who "brings out the best of me", is the person who only sees me in the sidelines. And it only reaffirms my belief that someone who brings out my ambitious side, who loves, and who supports me while I’m also struggling is actual love. Although there’s a sense of fear and a predictable ending in the drama, I liked where the story went with this idea of love. It’s healthy and if worked out properly, will bring out a long relationship. If you feel your best, with enough effort, everything will be fine. Confidence is attractive, after all. To be honest, after I saw my first love again, I stopped being sure about my feelings being over. As I said, he's my first love, and tha

There's a sense of unbelonging that I've felt for a really long time. There's a part of me that is conditioned to be a certain way, and it hurts me in a certain way by affecting my mentality towards things. "Stand Out and Fit In" is something I've heard all too often. You gotta be the best, but you have to fall in the lines as well, and blend in and be humble. If you don't at least blend in, then you are a strange, insane outlier. I don't like blending in that much. Where's the personality in blending in? Where's the colors of life if I have to be molded to a certain standard? Yet, I continue down in the mold, hoping for moderate success, despite being half-scared to death from the adult Little Prince. I keep my artsy side a moderate secret. I hide the dream away, afraid of being judged. Being in an arts college versus STEM automatically subjects you to criticism for the future. Nobody wants to struggle and live paycheck to paycheck. S

I’ve been uncomfortable to talk about something: How my first love changed me after I f---ed up and decided I should probably stop.  (♡´艸`) I think it's about time I write out my true feelings about it. After all, it's been four years! So how did it end? It... never really did start? I never acted on the feeling. Let’s just say, I never said anything despite the obviousness that I was crazy for someone because I believe fate will work in mysterious ways if it’s meant to be. That being said: opportunities has to be chased in order for the world to do its thing. Last Friday, I spotted my first real crush because I crashed a meet. I crashed it for multiple different purposes. One of them was secretly to see how much my feelings has evolved since high school. Am I truly over him? I liked to believe it started out innocent and somewhat cute puppy love but then when it became infatuation, it turned sour. When I liked him, many people don’t get the reasons I had in my

I turned 20 years old recently. It's my second decade of life, and I am in that phase where I'm not a teenager, but not yet a full adult. I better change for the better before I become a full fledged adult on paper. That being said, it’s time for self-reflection and resolution. I've been not happy with what I've been doing. I've been having mini-breakdowns, sleep anxiety, and lethargic. Why is this? I suspect it's because I'm worried about the future. Whether I'd be happy in the future. In college, my path still feels very undetermined and I just gloat depressed. Blogging, writing, dreaming, drawing are all things I love to do. Yet, I’m fearful to reveal to the world what I’ve been creating. And then I stopped planning for a while. I’m doing my best to come back and write out my mind. There was a part of my life that wondered what if I pursued my actual interests. To an outsider, it was obvious: my heart isn’t where I say it is. Either I need to

This post is a post of frustration. There's trauma involved. I'm extremely traumatized by the event last year. There has been me even fluctuating between wanting to do it or not. But in the end, I signed up for it and I've been doing my job. However, I'm extremely upset about one thing. Someone is doing the job by forcefully trying to fix everything. They are being too ambitious. Things need to be fixed, but you can't fix everything in one go! That's insane. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-28605/10-signs-your-own-ambition-is-working-against-you.html We have looked into many things we can change, with advice from general attendees from school as well as volunteers. Those things are accounted for. But there are things that aren't. Another thing is, you can't be doing someone's job without them knowing. If you get frustrated by people doing the same, then stop doing it to others! If you think you are helping, you aren't. I'm a perso

There's a part of me who struggles to understand why I am who I am today. Why I make the choices I make today. Whether it's my love life, my cultural background, my hobbyist personality, I choose to have a guard around them all.  There's always a part of who struggles with my love life. I admit it, I'm a romantic in the head. I like being teased, spoiled, and the idea of cuddling. I like corny-ass romantic poems, rom-coms, and cheesy love songs. 80% of the time, I enjoy cliche stories.  Mia: Roses are red Violets are blue You may not know But someone loves you Michael: Roses are red Violets are blue You may not know it But I love you too  (The most iconic love poem from my teenage dream romance---Princess Diaries: Princess in Love by Meg Cabot) But at the same time, I don't trust what I feel a lot. I'm the type that will dream and right before the dream's best moment, I hide like a startled turtle for fear it's actually too good to