With You Again

Finals are finally over. I'm so glad, yet a little scared that I didn't make the mark I had aimed for.

Yet, now that I look around, it's already the holidays. December means the snuggling, the cuddling, hand-holding, and the affectionate mood is around. And yet again, I'm still single. #20yearsofsingle

December is also the month of reflection, as we make resolutions for the new year.

I so again start contemplating my life decisions.

In terms of study: I do have some regrets with my major, but it's too late now. I still don't feel like I learned anything. But hopefully with my minor, I'll feel a little better about learning nothing in my major.

In terms of friendships: I realized, it may not be a great idea to sever all my half-decent relationships. They are my friends for one or another reason. So, I started stringing them back together, since most of the people I cut didn't realize it anyways. (Well the reason why I cut them would be because unless I initiate, nothing will ever happen)

In terms of family: I need to stop letting my mother control my mind. She can't guilt-trip/manipulate my life decisions. I have a plan, and I will follow it to my accord. Yes, family first, but sometimes it's gotta be me first, no matter how bad I feel. I can't keep destroying my confidence for my mother's satisfaction.

In terms of love: I'm not that unpopular that people never asked me out. It's just... the people who do are not the ones in my spectrum of maybes, at all or anymore. AKA the timing was off. There were times where I wavered between people in the region. I keep doubting my feelings. I don't have the confidence. So, I just think back to the memories, and hope that people see me okay. I treat the suffering and sadness of that period like it didn't affect me, like it was nothing. Even, if it were part of the most difficult part of my life. So I'm not wanting to go back in time, or leave them unspoken/unwritten about, but I want to be able to face them on.

There have been people that are closer than others. But because I don't let most people down with the sweet, innocent persona, and so I don't feel as connected to others who tease negatively. Perhaps that's why I was so attracted to my first love... he teased me all the time, in fact the second thing he said to me in conversation was actually kind of offensive. (He asked me if I was a FOB...boy had a hard time getting out of that one.) But I don't mind being a little offended, if it leads to better understanding. But that's why I'm afraid of doing so the other way around-- I'm afraid to offend people. But I want to give it a try to unsheathe the innocent persona and have some real pride in my weird quirks.

To those that I've loved, they have a piece of me somewhere, because I've lost it. And I'm waiting for that missing piece to be replaced within me somehow. Yes, I should be more aggressive, I should search for it, rather than wait. But again, I'll play the fool and act like the missing piece was there all along because in terms of happiness: I want to be the best me again.