Stand Out Fit In

There's a sense of unbelonging that I've felt for a really long time. There's a part of me that is conditioned to be a certain way, and it hurts me in a certain way by affecting my mentality towards things. "Stand Out and Fit In" is something I've heard all too often. You gotta be the best, but you have to fall in the lines as well, and blend in and be humble. If you don't at least blend in, then you are a strange, insane outlier.

I don't like blending in that much. Where's the personality in blending in? Where's the colors of life if I have to be molded to a certain standard? Yet, I continue down in the mold, hoping for moderate success, despite being half-scared to death from the adult Little Prince.

I keep my artsy side a moderate secret. I hide the dream away, afraid of being judged. Being in an arts college versus STEM automatically subjects you to criticism for the future. Nobody wants to struggle and live paycheck to paycheck. So for those who choose to be in the arts openly, I say you are hella brave. For me, it's a side that's shelved to the side. If people want to pull out that side of me, they are free to, but you won't see it at first sight.

There’s the movie “To All the Boys I Loved Before”. There was one scene that stuck out to me.

“If you really, truly didn’t want those letters to be sent, then why did you address them?... Can you maybe admit that some part of you doesn’t want everything in your life to be a fantasy?”

- Margie, To All the Boys I Loved Before

When I write stories and draw art, I have this quote in my head. The truth in this is... I do want to be acknowledged, I want words to be said, but I’m too much of a scaredy-cat to do so. Confidence is sexy, you know? I had none and I still have none. I don't have the courage to throw out what I've been doing to be "what I do".  And so I write out my thoughts on a blog. I draw out my dream. And I don't reveal it to people because I'm afraid I'll be judge for my sappiness, my corniness, and reveal my most secret of desires discreetly. Because I fantasize a lot in my stories and in my artwork.

I admit, I didn’t think I’ll start writing in this blog again after it kind of "fell out of schedule". But then I read a manga called “Love Blog!!”, and I felt that it was a good idea to write down my thoughts again, rather than continue bundling my thoughts. This blog is part of "the best of me". There are a lot of words I’ve been afraid of saying, and I am always afraid of imposing my thoughts on people. I don’t talk about my feelings to people who temporarily pushed me away because they were troubled by it. I’ve been doing a lot of things that I don’t particularly like and I know it lowers my confidence. I treat it as a chore. Writing is a thing I enjoy doing, even if it’s difficult. It’s hard to communicate my thoughts in speech, but in writing, I try my best.

I evolved this blog a lot. I don't even remember how it initially looked. I just keep coming back to it, no matter how busy or stressed I am. A blog to me is a open diary.

“I write a letter when I have a crush so intense I don’t know what else to do.”

- Lara Jean, To All the Boys I Loved Before

I write in my blog because I don’t where else to vent so my feelings and thoughts on a topic will end. I write to also see the improvement/change over time of myself.

What are your experiences with "Stand Out, Fit In"? How do you draw the line between doing so?

I'm sure many have experiences with it, especially those applying to colleges or jobs.
The struggles of being a young adult at this age, right? We're privileged yet, also sent on a trail called hell as well.