Loved

I watched “Love Rerun” last night. It’s a drama I relate to even if the lead is a decade older than me.

I was in love with someone who only sees me in the sidelines and I idiotically draw it out even though I know there is no interest. Where this drama differs is that the same person is the person who "brings out the best of me", is the person who only sees me in the sidelines. And it only reaffirms my belief that someone who brings out my ambitious side, who loves, and who supports me while I’m also struggling is actual love. Although there’s a sense of fear and a predictable ending in the drama, I liked where the story went with this idea of love. It’s healthy and if worked out properly, will bring out a long relationship. If you feel your best, with enough effort, everything will be fine. Confidence is attractive, after all.

To be honest, after I saw my first love again, I stopped being sure about my feelings being over. As I said, he's my first love, and that first love never dies. This blog post is gonna revolve around him again, isn’t it? It's been four years yet my thoughts keep hovering back every once in a while. To reiterate, I don't hate him. I just miss him.

There's a part of me who worries about this cycle: Am I going to be broken-hearted and cry again while my crushes knows nothing? How long will I be clinging onto these memories of them?

Am I the only one who is like this?

I want to become like Minami Sayaka in Love Rerun. I want to change. But not now, there's just too much at risk if I change. It's unrealistic, and bearable for another two years.

“In my moments of doubt, 

I've told myself firmly. 

If not me, who? 

If not now, then when?"

- Emma Watson, U.N. Speech

I say, right before I graduate. I’ll play the fool up until then. It’ll hurt me doing so, but I want to see the best me in action again.

English Lyrics (from the Kthe1 MV):

You came up in the sky
That I'm missing
Expose my heart and make me cold again
Even if I put my memory into the pieces of you
In the end, I need you

Because you made me do something that I hated to death and I couldn't bear
Because inextricable you left me, you do something that hurts
Share my sorrow even a little bit
Because I'm staggering now
I can't do without you

I hate you over and over again
I miss you over and over again
I don't want to be forgotten
Come back to me

If I count the past days backwards
Can I see you?
Maybe too much
I loved you
I loved you

When the world that's coloring into blue
Reaches out its hands to me
I feel cold as if I'm naked
Perhaps was it you that blew to me?
Did you come to see me?
You may hold me in your arms
The wind looking like you only brushes past me again

That night that didn't cover you takes me to the end of a deep dawn.
Your scent under the sun that has barely risen is lingering in my mind
I stop breathing and close my eyes
Even if I try to end this endless repetition
I can only wander looking for you

I hate you over and over again
I miss you over and over again
I don't want to be forgotten
Come back to me

If I count the past days backwards

Can I see you?

Maybe too much

I loved you

I loved you

At the end of this wait

If you come to me

I would give you all my heart

If you promise me even if it takes time

I'll keep staying here

I'll wait for you

I'll wait for you

If this pain is you

I'll go through it, too.

The love that I can't do again

Thank you for being you

Someday when we come across each other

And reminisce about today

Let's smile without a word

And pat each other's shoulders