Unsensed Clairvoyance

Being told "I love you" freezes me up. I seriously question the sanity of all the boys who had a crush on me. I am baffled rather-- Why me? I don't see myself suitable... The last two boys that asked me out were younger than me. That makes me even more confused. I've always been curious. But regardless why, I swallow my guilt every time I see one of them. One of them, is no longer speaking to me due to it. And I feel extremely guilty for not reciprocating and possibly leading him on for a year. It was just not the right timing for me when he asked me out. I was already pretty much not considering it anymore, especially since I knew it for so long. The latest boy who asked me out, luckily ended in a brighter note at the very least. I am actually bewildered to know that he has caught feelings for me. I didn't spend that much time with him. I really didn't think much of it at first. If those ever read this blog, I hope they know: I really didn't mean to

I'm working in a convention again. Yes, there's a bunch of parts where I'm not motivated, and unsure whether I want to work in such murkiness. However, since I signed up for most of it, I will work the convention again. I have lot of art to do for them this year, which I'm excited to do, but also an executive board position, so I'll be extremely busy. If I forget to update, it would be due to this.

Jin Akanishi’s Pinocchio was released in 2016, but only recently have I felt like I resonated with it. In a way, I put up with a lot of things to avoid conflict because drama is troublesome, and would end up feeling like a shitty puppet because it makes me sort of a pushover. I don’t really release my feelings of being uncomfortable, and as a result people get uncomfortable around me as well and disappear. I guess it’s the drawback of being an introvert. I have my walls built up, so no one is around. However, relationships get cutoff when communication stops. For that very fact, it’s a little disappointing when I come back for break and can’t find anyone to hang out with. I guess I’m destined to die from loneliness because I’m scared to scare people off with my feelings and interests. I’m told college is the best time of my life, but I feel controlled. There’s a formula to succeed in life and I have to follow it or risk it everything, while being a lost hope towards my parents.

Happy New Year! I hope your 2019 started off great. Mine certainly did. It started off with my family cheering with plum wine in our mugs.  2018 left a......... questionable taste in my mouth. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It wasn't negative, but it wasn't really positive either. I don't feel as happy as I used to feel. I feel... a little critical of the world. But I haven't really been trying to make a motivating statement to myself, so I started living in my head again.  Generally, the celebration of New Years includes writing a list of New Year Resolutions on the Eve, usually consisting of long term and short term goals. My Resolutions: Apply to internship positions and follow up on them!! Complete the first arc of Yume Connection Raise my GPA to a 3.2 Eat less sugar! Cavity prevention! Make new friends, but keep the old Draw a personal picture every single month CPAC can kiss my sweet ass with another successful run Lay down a co